I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
