I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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