If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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