whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
