I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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