Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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