I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
