I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
