I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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