Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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