My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
