Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
