I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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