That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
