What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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