I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
