Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
