Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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