if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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