I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
