i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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