Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
