they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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