im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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