I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
