I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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