nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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