Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
