Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
