dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
