If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
