i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
