im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
