He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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