I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
