I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
