I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
