i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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