I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
