you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
