i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
