Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
as a side note pls kill me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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