i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
