I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
