she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
