My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
