Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How's work?
Spinning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
