so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
