So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
