I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
