No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
