So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
